Computer jokes

Computer Error Messages

REALITY.SYS corrupted- reboot Universe (Y/N)?
USER ERROR: replace user and press any key to continue.
Volume in Drive C: TOO_LOUD!
Press [ESC] to detonate or any other key to explode.
BREAKFAST.COM halted... cereal port not responding!
Virus detected! P)our chicken soup on motherboard?
.signature not found! reformat hard drive? [Yn]
Backup not found! A)bort, R)etry or P)anic?
Spellchecker not found. Press -- ~~to continue ...~~
A)bort, R)etry or S)elf-destruct?
A)bort, R)etry, I)gnore, V)alium?
A)bort, R)etry, I)nfluence with large hammer.
A)bort, R)etry, P)ee in drive door
Backup not found: A)bort, R)etry, M)assive heart failure?
Bad command or file name. Go stand in the corner.
Close your eyes and press escape three times.
DYNAMIC LINKING ERROR: Your mistake is now everywhere.
Computer possessed? Try DEVICE=C:\EXOR.SYS
SENILE.COM found... Out Of Memory.
APATHY ERROR: Don't bother striking any key.
ZAP! Process discontinued. Enter any 12-digit prime number to resume.

Computer Viruses

Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
Airline virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
Anita Hill virus: Lies dormant for ten years.
Arnold Schwarzenegger virus : Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
AT&T virus : Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
The MCI virus : Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
Bill Clinton virus: This virus mutates from region to region and we're not exactly sure what it does.
Bill Clinton virus: Promises to give equal time to all processes: 50% to poor, slow processes; 50% to middle-class processes, and 50% to rich ones. This virus protests your computer's involvement in other computer's affairs, even though it has been having one of its own for 12 years.
Congressional Virus: Overdraws your computer.
Congressional Virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
Dan Quayle virus : Prevents your system from spawning any child processes without joining into a binary network.
Dan Quayle virus : Simplye addse ane ee toe everye worde youe typee..
David Duke virus: Makes your screen go completely white.
Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
Federal bureaucrat virus : Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.
Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.
Gallup virus : Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).
George Bush virus: Doesn't do anything, but you can't get rid of it until November.
Government economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
Jerry Brown virus: Blanks your screen and begins flashing an 800 number.
Madonna virus : If your computer gets this virus, lock up your dog!
Mario Cuomo virus : It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.
Michael Jackson virus: Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car.
New World Order virus : probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
Nike virus: Just Does It!
Ollie North virus: Turns your printer into a document shredder.
Oprah Winfrey virus : Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.
Pat Buchanan virus: Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen.
Paul Revere virus : This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C:.
Paul Tsongas virus: Pops up on December 25 and says, "I'm not Santa Claus."
PBS virus: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.
Politically correct virus : Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism".
Richard Nixon virus: Also known as the "Tricky Dick Virus", you can wipe it out but it always makes a comeback.
Right To Life virus : Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.
Ross Perot virus : Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.
Ted Kennedy virus: Crashes your computer but denies it ever happened.
Ted Turner virus : Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
Terry Randle virus: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message.
Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
UK Parliament virus: splits the screen into two with a message in each half blaming other side for the state of the system.
Warren Commission virus: Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years.

Computer Riddles

What do miniskirts and hard disks have in common?
Access time.
Why is "256 Ways To Make Love" the most quoted book on the Internet?
It is the Fucking Manual
What do Unix sysadmins do when they're horny?
Mount a filesystem.
Why do Computer Science majors smell so bad.
So that blind students can hate them too.

Short jokes

Q: Why do programmers always get Christmas and Halloween mixed up?
A: Because DEC 25 = OCT 31
Q: Did you hear about the Microsoft crystal ball?
A: Ask it something and it replies: "Answer unclear. Add 20 Meg of RAM and ask again later."
Q: How many MS engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they just define darkness as an industry standard!
Q: Why don't the British build computers?
A: Because they can't figure out how to make them leak oil!
Have you heard about the new Cray? It's so fast, it executes an infinite loop in 6 seconds.
Have you heard about the new Cray? It's so fast, it requires TWO halt instructions to stop it!
I heard that Bill Gates's wedding night will be less than blissful for his new bride. She will find out why his company is named Microsoft.
A computer without COBOL and Fortran is like a piece of chocolate cake without ketchup and mustard.
My sister opened a computer store in Hawaii. She sells C shells by the seashore.
A computer program does what you tell it to do, not what you want it to do.
A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken.
A list is only as strong as its weakest link. - Don Knuth
After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn.
Congratulations! You are the one-millionth user to log into our system.
Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts.
I bet the human brain is a kludge. - Marvin Minsky
I haven't lost my mind; it's backed up on tape somewhere.
If God had intended Man to program, we would be born with serial I/O ports.
Real programs don't eat cache.
Shift to the left! Shift to the right! Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte!
Supercomputer: Turns CPU-bound problem into I/O-bound problem. - Ken Batcher
Swap read error. You lose your mind.
This fortune soaks up 47 times its own weight in excess memory.
This screen intentionally left blank.
You forgot to do your backup 16 days ago. Tomorrow you'll need that version.
You had mail, but the super-user read it, and deleted it!
My sister gave up on Computing Dating after she was stood up by two mainframes, a mini, and a laptop.
The Queue Principle: The longer you wait in line, the greater the likelihood that you are standing in the wrong line.
The program is absolutely right; therefore the computer must be wrong.
All a hacker needs is a tight PUSHJ, a loose pair of UUO's, and a warm place to SHIFT.
"Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from.
Earth is 98% full...please delete anyone you can.
10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0.
A bad random number generator: 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 4.33e+67, 1, 1, 1
A bug in the hand is better than one as yet undetected.
A computer program does what you tell it to do, not what you want it to do.
A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken.
CCCP:> format CCCP: /u
After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn.
All computers run at the same speed...with the power off.
An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.
Another megabytes the dust.
Any given program will expand to fill available memory.
Any nitwit can understand computers. Many do. - Ted Nelson
Any program that runs right is obsolete.
Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature. - Kulawiec
APL is a write-only language. - Roy Keir
Artificial Intelligence: Making computers behave like they do in the movies.
As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error. - Weisert
As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.
Asking whether machines can think is like asking whether submarines can swim.
Avoid temporary variables and strange women.
Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers. - Tom Lehrer
Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers. - Leonard Brandwein
Brain fried; core dumped.
Breakthrough: It finally booted on the first try.
CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..
Compatible: Gracefully accepts erroneous data from any source.
Computer and car salesmen differ in that the latter know when they are lying.
Computer programmers do it byte by byte.
Computers are a more fun way to do the same work you'd have to do without them.
Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. - Pablo Picasso
To define recursion, we must first define recursion.
The Soviet Union does not exist any more in its present format.
Diagnostics are the programs that run when nothing else will.
Disc space, the final frontier!
Disclaimer: Any errors in spelling, tact, or fact are transmission errors.
Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts.
Don't let the computer bugs bite!
Dreams are free, but you get soaked on the connect time.
E Pluribus UNIX.
Emacs is a nice operating system, but I prefer UNIX. - Tom Christiansen
Every program in development at MIT expands until it can read mail.
Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits.
Everybody needs a little love sometime; stop hacking and fall in love!
f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
Foolproof operation: All parameters are hard coded.
fortune: No such file or directory
Futuristic: It will only run on a next generation supercomputer.
God is real, unless declared integer.
God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man.
Hackers have kernel knowledge.
Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
Help! I'm trapped in a Chinese computer factory!
Host System Not Responding, Probably Down. Do you want to wait? (Y/N)
How an engineer writes a program: Start by debugging an empty file...
How do I love thee? My accumulator overflows.
How was Thomas J. Watson buried? 9 edge down.
I am a computer, dumber than any human and smarter than an administrator.
I am still waiting for the advent of the computer science groupie.
I am the computer your mother warned you about.
Nobody has ever, ever, EVER learned all of WordPerfect.
I came, I saw, I deleted all your files.
Never forget: 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
I must have slipped a disk; my pack hurts.
I smell a wumpus.
If a program is useful, it must be changed.
If a program is useless, it must be documented.
If a train station is where the train stops, what is a work station?
If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer.
My computer NEVER crashes
If I had it all to do over again, I'd spell creat with an "e". - Kernighan
If it was easy, the hardware people would take care of it.
In computer science, we stand on each other's feet. - Brian Reid
In God we trust; all else we walk through.
It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit.
It is ten o'clock; do you know where your processes are?
Kiss your keyboard goodbye!
Last one out, turn off the computer!
Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.
Lisp Users: Due to the holiday, there will be no garbage collection on Monday.
LISP: To call a spade a thpade.
Long computations that yield zero are probably all for naught.
Machine-independent: Does not run on any existing machine.
Manual Writer's Creed: Garbage in, gospel out.
Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology. - R. S. Barton
Meets quality standards: Compiles without errors.
MIPS: Meaningless Indicator of Processor Speed.
Netnews is like yelling, "Anyone want to buy a used car?" in a crowded theater.
Never trust a computer you can't lift. - Stan Masor
Never trust a computer you can't throw out the window. - S. Hunt
Nice computers don't go down.
No line available at 300 baud.
No program done by a hacker will work unless he is on the system.
No program done by an undergrad will work after she graduates.
Old mail has arrived.
Old programmers never die; they just branch to a new address.
On a clear disk you can seek forever. - Denning
One if by LAN, two if by C. - Paul Revere, as told by John Karwoski
One man's constant is another man's variable. - Perlis
One person's error is another person's data.
One picture is worth 128K words.
Overflow on /dev/null; please empty the bit bucket.
People who deal with bits should expect to get bitten. - Jon Bentley
Portable: Survives system reboot.
Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.
My Go this amn keyboar oesn't have any 's.
Programming Department: Mistakes made while you wait.
Programming is an art form that fights back.
Programming is an unnatural act.
Programming just with goto's is like swatting flies with a sledgehammer.
Protect your software at all costs; all else is meat.
Random access is the optimum of the mass storages.
My mail reader can beat up your mail reader.
Remember the good old days, when CPU was singular?
Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.
Revolutionary: Disk drives go round and round.
Save energy: Drive a smaller shell.
SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out! - Ken Thompson
Backups? We don't *NEED* no steenking baX%^~,VbKx NO CARRIER
Software is to computers as yeast is to dough. - Chuck Bradshaw
Some programming languages manage to absorb change but withstand progress.
Structured Programming supports the law of the excluded muddle.
All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
<-------- The information went data way --------->
System going down at 1:45 for disk crashing.
System going down at 5 pm to install scheduler bug.
Systems programmers are the high priests of a low cult. - R. S. Barton
That does not compute.
The attention span of a computer is only as long as its power cord.
The computer is mightier than the pen, the sword, and usually, the programmer.
The determined programmer can write a FORTRAN program in any language.
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
The moving cursor prints, and having printed, blinks on.
The next generation of computers will have a "Warranty Expired" interrupt.
The program is absolutely right; therefore, the computer must be wrong.
The steady state of disks is full. - Ken Thompson
The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
The world is coming to an end... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!
"Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C mean?
There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one works.
There must be more to life than compile-and-go.
grep..grep..grep.. (frog with UNIX stuck in it's throat.
This login session: $13.76, but for you: $11.88.
This screen intentionally left blank.
This system will self-destruct in five minutes.
Those who can't write, write help files.
Those who can, do. Those who cannot, teach. Those who cannot teach, HACK!
Thrashing is just virtual crashing.
To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.
To err is human; to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System.
To err is human; to really foul things up requires a computer.
To iterate is human; to recurse, divine. - Robert Heller
Unprecedented performance: Nothing ever ran this slow before.
Variables won't; constants aren't. - Osborn
What do computer engineers use for birth control? Their personalities.
What this country needs is a good five-cent microcomputer.
Where the system is concerned, you are not allowed to ask "Why?".
Why do we want intelligent terminals when there are so many stupid users?
You can't go home again, unless you set $HOME.
You can't make a program without broken egos.
You depend too much on computers for information.
[If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parenthises]
AAAAAA - American Association Against Acronym Abuse Anonymous.
You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers.
You have junk mail.
You know it is going to be a bad day when you forget your new password.
You might have mail.
You never finish a program, you just stop working on it.
Your fault, core dumped.
Your password is pitifully obvious.
[Unix] is not necessarily evil, like OS/2. - Peter Norton
It wasn't as easy to get programs right as we had thought. - Wilkes, 1949
A bug in the code is worth two in the documentation.
A fault tolerant system must report the faults even as it tolerates them.
A hacker does for love what others would not do for money. - Laura Creighton
A low level language is one whose programs require attention to the irrelevant.
A paperless office has about as much chance as a paperless bathroom.
A successful tool is used to do something undreamed of by its author. - Johnson
Abstraction is achieved by data hiding and enforced by encapsulation.
Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later. - Brook
All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.
All the simple programs have been written, and all the good names taken.
All you need to know is the user interface. - J. Redford
An algorithm must be seen to be believed. - D. E. Knuth
Any programming language is at its best before it is implemented and used.
Avoid GOTOs completely if you can keep the program readable.
Avoid the Fortran arithmetic IF (or better yet, just avoid Fortran).
Avoid unnecessary branches.
Bad style destroys an otherwise superb program.
BASIC is to computer programming as QWERTY is to typing. - Seymour Papert
Be careful when a loop exits to the same place from side and bottom.
Choose variable names that will not be confused.
Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. - Gilb
Computers talk to each other worse than their designers do.
Computers... are not designed, as we are, for ambiguity. - Thomas
Controlling complexity is the essence of computer programming. - Kernigan
Don't comment or patch bad code; rewrite it.
Don't compare floating point numbers solely for equality.
Don't diddle code to make it faster; find a better algorithm.
Don't document the program; program the document.
Don't stop at one bug.
Every bug you find is the last one.
Every program is either trivial or it contains at least one bug.
Expert systems are built to embody the knowledge of human experts. - Kulawiec
I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them. - Isaac Asimov
I suppose when it gets to that point, we shan't know how it does it. - Turing
If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong. - Schryer
If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some.
In the long run, every program becomes rococco, and then rubble. - Alan Perlis
It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa.
It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one.
Know Thy User.
Let the machine do the dirty work. - Elements of Programming Style
Machine independent code isn't.
Make input easy to proofread.
Make it right before you make it faster.
Make sure all variables are initialized before use.
Make sure comments and code agree.
Make sure your code "does nothing" gracefully.
Never put off till run-time what you can do at compile-time. - D. Gries
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle. - Steinbach
Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes. - Jackson
Never write software that anthropomorphizes the machine.
Never write software that patronizes the user.
No extensible language will be universal. - T. Cheatham
Performance is easier to add than clarity.
Replace repetitive expressions by calls to a common function.
Software is best understood as a branch of movie making. - Ted Nelson
Software is mind work. Having the right frame of mind is essential.
The best packed information most resembles random noise.
The computer is the Proteus of machines. - Seymour Papert
The computing field is always in need of new cliches. - Alan Perlis
The less time planning, the more time programming.
The number of UNIX installations has grown to 10, with more expected. (6/72)
The purpose of computing is insight, not numbers. - Hamming
The wise person writes bomb-proof code.
There are always at least two ways to program the same thing.
There are never any bugs you haven't found yet.
There can never be a computer language in which you cannot write a bad program.
There is no problem that, when programmed just right, isn't more complicated.
To understand a program you must become both the machine and the program.
Try not to let implementation details sneak into design documents.
UNIX is many things to many people, but it has never been everything to anybody.
Use free-form input where possible.
Use GOTOs only to implement a fundamental structure.
Use IF...ELSE IF...ELSE IF...ELSE... to implement multi-way branches.
Watch out for off-by-one errors.
When a program is being tested, it is too late to make design changes.
When we write programs that "learn", it turns out we do and they don't.
You don't have to know how the computer works, just how to work the computer.
Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not tried it. - Donald Knuth
The only thing good about "standards" in computer science is that there are so many to choose from.
After three days without programming, life becomes meaningless. - Geoffrey James, The Tao of Programming.
If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce today would cost $100, get a million miles to the gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
So when the machine truncates excess bits, it throws them under the raised floor. - Fred Felber (so THAT's why there are raised floors in computer rooms.)
I bought the latest computer; it came fully loaded. It was guaranteed for 90 days, but in 30 was outmoded! - "The Wall Street Journal" passed along by Big Red Computer's 'Scarlett'
Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?
My computer isn't that nervous, it's just a bit ANSI.
If only women came with pull-down menus and online help.
My computer's sick. I think my modem is a carrier.
Gotta run, the cat's caught in the printer.
Honey, I Formatted the Kid!
Spelling checkers at maximum! Fire!
Your e-mail has been returned due to insufficient voltage.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my disk?
Hex dump: Where witches put used curses...
Finish your mail packet! Children are offline in India.
Never violate the Prime Directory! C:\
Multitasking: Screwing up several things at once...
Maniac: An early computer built by nuts...
Stack Error: Lost on a cluttered desk...
Stack Overflow: Too many pancakes...
Terminal glare: A look that kills...
Trojan: Storage device for replicating codes...
ZMODEM: Big bits, Soft blocks, Tighter ASCII...
Justify my text? I'm sorry but it has no excuse.
Mommy! The cursor's winking at me!
Managing programmers is like herding cats.
Do files get embarrassed when they get unzipped?
Capt'n! The spellchecker kinna take this abuse!
C:\BELFRY is where I keep my .BAT files.
ASCII to ASCII, DOS to DOS.
"Mr. Worf, scan that ship." "Aye, Captain... 300 DPI?
How do I set my laser printer on stun?
The best way to accelerate a Mac is at 9.8 m / sec^2
"!sgub evah t'nseod CP sihT ?sgub naem ayaddahW"
"E=Mc^5...nahhh...E=Mc^4...nahh...E=Mc^3...ah, the hell with it."
"Today's subliminal thought is:"
Todays assembler command : EXOP Execute Operator.
'Calm down -- it's only ones and zeros.'
...now touch these wires to your tongue!
Computer analyst to programmer: "You start coding. I'll go find out what they want."
LSD: virtual reality without the expensive hardware.
According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.
C:\GRAPHICS\GIF\NAUGHTY\FILTHY\DISGUSTING\WOW!
Computer Science: solving today's problems tomorrow.
It said, "Insert disk #3," but only two will fit!
RAM DISK is not an installation procedure!
Computers are only human.
Was that your wife I saw in that GIF?
I used to have a life, then I got v32bis!
If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a thousand words, how dangerous is a FAX? ...About 85% of a GIF.
This time it will surely run.
I just found the last bug.
This message transmited on 100% recycled electrons.
It's redundant! It's redundant! -R. E. Dundant
Bug? That's not a bug, that's a feature. -T. John Wendel
The programmer's national anthem is 'AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH'. -Weinberg, p.152
Stack manipulation - the use of inflatable falsies. -Datamazing, 4/1/78
On a clear disk you can seek forever. -Computerworld button
I write all my critical routines in assembler, and my comedy routines in FORTRAN. - Anonymous
If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in. - Dykstra
"#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb)) - Shakespeare."
Real programmers use: COPY CON PROGRAM.EXE
May the bugs of many programs nest on your hard drive.
I'm a modemer and I'm OK. I post all night and I sleep all day.
I modem, but they grew back.
Logic: The art of being wrong with confidence...
Logic is neither an art or a science but a dodge.
CCITT - Can't Conceive Inteleget Thoughts Today
Do you like me for my brain or my baud?
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0
Maintenance-free: When it breaks, it can't be fixed...
Memory dump: Amnesia...
Microwave: Signal from a friendly micro...
Modem: How a Southerner asks for seconds...
Nostalgia: The good old days multiplied by a bad memory...
WOMEN.ZIP: A great program, but it doesn't come with documentation...
WOMAN.ZIP: Great Shareware, but be careful of viruses...
29A, the hexadecimal of the Beast.
SET DEVICE=EXXON to screw up your environment.
My BBS is baroque now. Please call Bach later with your Handel.
This BBS is ancient. Some say from the echocene.
I'm not a sysop, I just play one on the echos.
Me and my two friends... GIF and Weston.
From C:\*.* to shining C:\*.*
Resistance is useless! (If < 1 ohm)